I've never seen the Transformer's tv show. I've never seen the animated movie. I was born in 1987, hence I grew up on Beast Wars. That was my Transformers, and I was glad to sit through poorly rendered 3D environments while eating my Fruity Loops.
Let me preface my thoughts on the 2007 film by saying that by no means do I have any hate in my heart for Michael Bay. In fact I think he has his moments of inspired filmmaking. I was highly entertained by both Bad Boys flicks, I dug The Rock, but like any other fully developed fetus I despised Armageddon, Pearl Harbor, and The Island. Let's face it, Michael Bay was born in the wrong century. If he had been born in the time of gladiators, he would have been in charge of choreographing arena battles or shlocking used chariots to Greek tourists.
But I digress. Last Monday I hitched a ride with Chris and we went to our local fourteen screener for an 11:15PM showing of Transformers. I had been pretty excited about this film, having seen the great fx featured in trailers, and reading some fair reviews on the film.
Walking out of the theatre, I was a bit confused on how I should have felt. First, I felt guilty for not owning a GM vehicle, then I felt euphoric about rollerblading robots, then I pictured John Turturro's gams and felt nauseous, and finally I felt extremely exhausted and fell asleep.
But let's Memento backwards for a second to the actual filmic experience. This film is an all-out assault on your senses. Not in the way Revenge of the Sith was an 1983 laser show with the knob turned to 11, but more in the way 300 grabbed your testes and socked your 2nd grade schoolteacher in the collarbone. Except instead of half-naked Greeks, you get a fresh, African-Alien-American, breakdancing Pontiac pissing on that whiny guy from Miller's Crossing. But that doesn't come until 3/4 into the film.
For the first half of the film, we get an always pleasant Shia Labeouf struggling to purchase his first new car. I've always liked Shia, but the rest of the high schoolers looked like one sniff short of high-end supermodels. The high school scenes take place at a high school down the street from where I live, and having driven past it several afternoons, I can tell you the kids there look more like one sniff short of being adopted by Dina Lohan.
Then there's Shia's love interest. They have the sort of chemistry Cary Grant and Katherine Hepburn had: very classy.
Actually, in all honesty, Shia's subplot is the only successful one in the film. But when it's in competition with Jon Voight (looking like he was just regurgitated from Ananconda), and that attractive white guy from Las Vegas, well...it's not saying much.
From what you've read, you probably are assuming that I did not enjoy this film. But that's just it, I actually thoroughly enjoyed it. Sure, they could have cut 20 minutes out of the film, and it probably would have been okay without the black robot being the only Autobot killed, but it's 2007 man, we can't kill the only black hero without defending ourselves on Oprah?
The fx in the movie are worth the admission price by themselves. The robots looked amazing every time they transformed back and forth. The set pieces are impressive (though not quite as creative as Live Free or Die Hard), and you can witness in real time every dollar spent on the screen. The crowd reaction was great, the audience laughed at most of the jokes, and clapped at all the right moments (except for the one guy that got up when the Latino soldier got killed and said "That's immigration reform!").
Sure, the fight scenes look like they were cut by Michael J. Fox, but they were still badass. Michael Bay is trying desperately (and achieving) the status of a director who refuses to make films that are timeless. These films are for the theatre. You watch Transformers in the theatre once, you have a great 2 1/2 hours, you walk out, and you try hard to remember something from the film but you can't. And that's ok with me. At least it wasn't a boring film where I remember every line of dialogue.
The only moment in the film where I actually felt embarassed was when Josh Duhamel looks lovingly into Shia's eyes and says, "You're a soldier now." That moment was not earned, and it was obvious in the audience's reaction.
You can't criticize Michael Bay because he doesn't care. And you know why he doesn't care? Because when the studio gave him the option of spending 200 million dollars on a film based on a Hasbro toy, or spending 200 million on helping the Darfur crisis, he didn't hesitate.
So go watch Transformers and have a good time. It's the best film based on an animated movie based on a tv show based on a toy since Harold and Maude.
-AG
TRANFORMERS: 3.5 Autobot afro picks / 4 Autobot afro picks.
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