MotherFuqua.

Mark Wahlberg is simultaneously one of the best action film actors and worst actor in general right now.

I thought he was great in Boogie Nights, Three Kings, and Four Brothers. You think of those movies and go, "Yeah, Mark Wahlberg is pretty kickass." And then a quick IMDb scan later and you remember he was in Rock Star, Planet of the Apes, The Truth About Charlie, and I Heart Huckabees.

Antoine Fuqua is simulatenously one of the best action film directors and worst director in general right now.

If you know me at all, you know Training Day is one of my favorite films in the last decade. It's dirty, it's brutal, it's real. When a film is urban without going into Gang of Roses territory, I'm there. But then he went and Fuqua'd himself by directing King Arthur. A.) No one really cares about medieval films since Sword in the Stone perfected them. B.) Fuqua and Bruckheimer went and made the most conventional film possible, complete with unintelligible fight sequences, and flat performances all around.

So last night I was a bit hesitant when I popped in Fuqua's latest effort Shooter into my 5-disc DVD player. While I was glad that producers are still making R-rated action films (not like Transporter, or Aeon Flux), during the film I felt like I was playing a round of Counter-Strike. Mark Whalberg does not miss in this film. But by not missing, he relieves any tension from the fight sequences. The only time he manages to get hurt is when a meter maid sucker-shoots him in the shoulder. Marky Mark's character in this film is flawless. He doesn't Willis himself by indulging in the aguardiente, and he doesn't Denzel himself by being morally crooked. I felt both proud and ashamed watching Mark walk away from a hangar in slo-mo with a huge United States flag behind him. This is the US hero? The guy who can explode a dude's membranes from a mile away? Ok.

I truly did not care about any of the flaccid characters in this piece. Michael Pena apparently only goes for roles where he can spend half the time whining or being completely helpless. Is this the industry's only hope for Hispanic thespians? Where's Freddy Rodriguez in Grindhouse? Just CG his face on top of Michael's, it doesn't even have to look that good, just do it in Microsoft Paint and you've got a hit.

Then there's Danny Glover. I haven't seen Danny in a film in a decade, since Gone Fishin'. I assumed he never came back. But he's back and better than ever. With the one thing any good villain needs to be successful: a lisp! I kept hoping someone would invite him for dinner so he could have a moment to take the retainer out of his mouth and I could understand a word he was saying. It's hard to get realistic portrayals of really horrible human beings anymore. From Timothy Olyphant zombie-ing his way through Live Free, to that cute kid from That 70s Show walking around covered in tar. You want a true villain? Try Capitan Vidal in El Laberinto del Fauno, try Jack Torrance in The Shining. Those guys will cut your tongue out, sew it over their own, and insult you with it.

Oh yeah, and there's a redhead in this film. She gets kidnapped and then kills some guy who had already gotten his arm blown off. Cheap shot.

I like my heroes to be flawed. Yes, it might be a cliche, but it's a damn good one that sometimes produces brilliant results. I really wanted to like this film. I really wanted to think Antoine was back in form. But after the 2+hrs. I was ready to cleanse myself of the inane story, gaping plot holes, and weak chops.

Don't bother with this film.

-AG

SHOOTER: 1.5 Redhead schoolteachers who know how to perform major surgery / 5 Redhead schoolteachers who know how to perform major surgery.